By: Grant Hilmi Al-Jabiri
We always talk about the theme of filial piety and disobedience towards parents, but it doesn’t even cross our minds even at a glance that it could be us (as parents) who are actually disobedient towards our children, with our bad attitude, our harsh treatment, our injustice between them, or our negligence towards them. Many fathers and mothers are in nervous tension due to life’s problems. It has become a characteristic of this era to be impulsive and quickly provoked by emotions. A mother cannot possibly vent her emotions to her husband, so she vents them to her weak child. Likewise, the father, who couldn’t possibly vent his emotions to his director at work, ended up taking it out on his wife and children. This is because children are still weak, do not have the ability to defend themselves, we end up punishing them for something that has nothing to do with them, we break down their mentality, and often we believe that violence is the best method to educate them.
We never reflect for a moment, to realize that we will receive retribution for our cruelty towards our children, when we beat them unjustly, or have prejudice against them and immediately punish them based on allegations without evidence, or we are already depressed and feel unable to endure their behavior and games any longer, without realizing that if the beating or punishment is greater than the level of their mistake, then they will seek revenge against us on the Day of Judgment!
Once upon a time there was a man who came and sat right in front of Rasulullah SAW, saying: “O Rasulullah! I had two slaves who lied to me, betrayed me, and disobeyed me. Then I scolded and beat them. What will happen to me with them?” Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam answered: “When the Day of Resurrection arrives, what they have betrayed, they deny, and they lie to you with your punishment against them, if your punishment against them is proportional to their sins, then it is complete, there is no (reward) for you and there is no (sin) for you. sin, then it will be made qisas for them against you for that benefit.” Then the man stood aside and began to weep and weep, then the Messenger of Allah said to him: “Have you not read the words of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala: ‘And We will install accurate scales on the Day of Resurrection, so that no one will be harmed in the slightest, and if (his deeds) are only the weight of a mustard seed, We will surely bring him (reward/sin). And that is enough for Us to count them.’ (QS. Al-Anbiya: 47).”
The man said: O Messenger of Allah, I have found nothing better for me and for them than to part with them, I testify to you that they are all free people (I freed them).” (HR. At-Tirmidhi).
When someone punishes a slave beyond what Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala should be punished according to the level of his prowess in punishing and retaliating, then what about punishing other than slaves, especially small children?!
We are disobedient to children when we treat them differently, even by kissing, hugging and smiling at them. We instill jealousy and hatred among them. Also when we differentiate in love between boys and girls, or this is gifted and that is not, or for whatever reason, we have no justification whatsoever for discriminating between them.
We are disobedient to our children when we are negligent towards them. In the poem it is stated:
Orphans are not people whose parents just give up on taking care of their lives and leave them humiliated.
Orphans are not people whose parents are gone,
From the hustle and bustle of life and leaving him in a state of limbo.
An orphan is a person who has a mother who abandons him or a father who is busy.
But a true orphan is one who finds his mother,
But ignored him and his busy father.
We ignore them with our busy lives, friends, and gadgets. We have to get close to our children, make them feel our love for them, make them feel that they are the most important thing in our lives. In the hustle and bustle of life, we forget to say gentle words to them or call them “Darling!” or also hug them and make them feel the warmth of our love. We spend more time with our devices than we spend with our children. Often we laugh louder when writing messages on Whatsapp or Facebook than when laughing, playing and joking with them.
We have to set aside time – even if it’s only one day a week – to be with our children, forgetting about everything other than dealing with them, making them feel our closeness to them. We don’t want our children to live like orphans while we are still alive.
We disobey our children when we neglect their care. We think that if we have enrolled them in the best school, given them the tastiest food, and bought them the most expensive clothes, then we have done our duty with that.
There are people who invest through their assets, but there are also people who invest through their children. How many children of poor people achieve better thanks to their good care and attention. Achievement and good education have nothing to do with wealth or poverty, but do with upbringing and effort put forth.
Have we asked our children about prayer and fasting? Always trying to wake them up for morning prayers like we wake them up to go to school? Have we tried to make them memorize the Qur’an as much as we have tried to make them get good final grades at school? Do we monitor their social interactions and keep them away from bad friends? Have we instilled values and morals, or have we let them be raised by television, gadgets and their friends? Are we busy with our work and then throw our children in foster care or to their maids and grandmothers to look after them?
We have to reset our thinking patterns, reorder our priorities and our methods of interaction and attention to our children. It is impossible for us to intend to make changes without us holding their hands with us. Just as we try hard to get closer to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, we must also try hard to bring our children closer to Him, and so that they walk with us along the path we have started, and with the permission of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala the end of the road is heaven.
Practical application
Take care of your children in terms of religion and morals. Instill religious values in them by listening to studies, reading books and trying to understand them, or by buying children’s books about religious education.
Start immediately teaching your children the Koran, asking them to memorize it, and getting them connected to it through TPA at the mosque or their own program at home.
Set aside special time every day or every week with your children, to sit with them, find out their news, get to know the things they like, and play together.
Read parenting books and learn correct parenting methods. I recommend the book Ta’sis Aqliyah ath-Thifli (Building children’s intelligence) by Abdul Karim Bakkar.
Carry out other alternatives in punishment, without hitting or using physical or mental violence.
Replace harsh words with affectionate words, such as “My darling!”
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